Shadowalk

24th May 2012

Post with 1 note

Of Love, Firsts and A Giant Snowballs Part 1 of 3: An introduction

First Impressions last. And because of this, we always tread the thin line of being judgmental whenever we have a “First” experience and we fall in that pit when we close our minds to the fact that impressions, our views, can change. Its something that we will have to deal with the rest of our lives along with the irony that, in this world full of second (and third, and fourth and so on..) chances, we have difficulty in giving ourselves or others the second chances we deserve. Either our first impression leaves a good mark and we run away with it towards a land of rainbows and unicorns or we get thrown down to the dirt so bad that anything that remotely resembles that experience (or person), we cast into the deepest darkest recesses of the abyss. Halo vs Horn effect.

Perhaps the reason why it is easier to change our impressions on trivial things like the food we eat or the music we listen to is that when we choose to give them another chance, they usually remain the same. A newly cooked Mcdonald’s French fry today would pretty much taste the same as a newly cooked one tomorrow. We’ve also had that annoying song that sounded so annoying at first that then became catchy to us till we started to like it ourselves. We find that it wasn’t those things that were at fault for our faulty first impressions, but rather, it was our own for judging them too hastily. But when it comes to more serious things like “People” or “Emotions” or better yet, “Love,” we find that it is much, much harder for us to change our thoughts because those things are dynamic and ever changing. They may not be consistent, hard to predict, a random or unknown variable, and we are programmed to be afraid of what we do not know and/or understand.

The thing we have to realize, is that men and women deal with this differently, they become happy differently, they hurt differently, sometimes depending on their gender, sometimes depending on their attitude. Regardless of these differences, the core is still there. Our impressions do influence our actions and our attitudes like a tiny snowball rolling down a hill that eventually becomes an avalanche.

The bad? We usually, as mentioned, lock our minds to the first impression.

The worse? We will generalize. People talk about how we shouldn’t generalize, but we do. Personally, one of my biggest pet peeves is the stereotype are “All men/women are *insert negative*” brought about by their sad and sorry experiences with love and anything else similar to that. (See: http://www.facebook.com/notes/james-dominic-flores/homogenous-why-men-and-women-are-not-better-than-the-other/411319068489) I’m really sorry you had to experience that, really, but it says a lot about how mature you are if you *seriously* think that just because you got hurt.

And the Worst? We learn never to expect, to assume, when there is clearly nothing wrong with that. It is human to expect, especially from someone you love. It is selfish to reprimand someone if your expectations are not met. One has the freedom to expect for as much capacity as they have to be understanding, loving and forgiving if that expectation is not met.  It is not wrong to assume. The world works based on assumptions. It is only wrong if you lock yourself to a wrong assumption. One has the freedom to assume for as much capacity as one can be humble to admit if their assumption is wrong. You will get things right, and you will get things wrong, but the judge of your character is what you do with yourself at any time.

—-

In my next entry, I’m going to write about how I’ve observed and all that I know of or understand about how a woman handles firsts such as her first love (reciprocated or not), her first heartbreak, her first screw-up etc. and on the last of these series, I will write about how a guy handles this. Inspired by how people write at Thought Catalog, I’d probably write the same way.

Nevertheless, it feels good to write again.  So to close, I will share three notes on a list of 12 relationship truths we often forget.

1. We all change, and that’s okay. – Our needs change with time.  When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing.  Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way.  Don’t apologize for it.  Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.
2. You are in full control of your own happiness. – If your relationship with yourself isn’t working, don’t expect your other relationships to be any different.  Nobody else in this world can make you happy.  It’s something you have to do on your own.  And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else.  If you feel that it’s your partner’s fault, think again, and look within yourself to find out what piece is missing.  Your partner can never ‘complete’ you because you are already whole.  The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are.  
3. Forgiving others helps YOU. – Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.